i've been putting off my remembrance of 2009 because, frankly, i dont know where the hell to begin. so much of it is a blur in my mind. to tell you the truth, i may have to say that 2009 has not been one of my prouder years. i've been ashamed of myself on numerous occasions throughout the year. i suppose that doesnt necessarily have to be a bad thing in hindsight so long as i've something to show for my mistakes and misguidance.
2009 was my first year of being a mom. i'm beginning to grow thankful for a lack of concrete memories during the early formative years, mostly because i know i havent gotten the hang of this mom thing yet. i've learned so much as a mother this year. so much about how little i know and how precious the little children are.
justice has saved me from myself on numerous occasions throughout this year.
fuck. who am i kidding? why am i sitting here trying to eloquently review my year when i can only be honest with myself in the realization that i've made a complete mess?
i have not been a good mother. i've spent so much of my time with distractions other than justice. i've taken advantage of my family to the point that i sometimes question if justice even knows that i'm his mom.
no more.
i've been too caught up in enjoying my young twenties that i've shunned dignity and honor. i've made myself a mockery rather than an example. i've been floundering about in my blind selfishness.
it's as if i built a coat of armor around myself in a mentality that i can do anything and conquer my battles without even recognizing the raging war of who i'm really meant to be, the example i'm really meant to make, the responsibility of motherhood i'm really a part of. and my armor slowly chips away. and i'm left naked staring at the pieces all around me wondering what unrecognizable creature those casings previously encased.
somewhere along the way, i chose sides. i suppose it's better to know whose honor i'm fighting for before engaging in the war. maybe thats the beauty of it. i fought in a losing battle for a vast majority of 2009, only to recognize with every failure and every gain that I'M what i'm fighting for. i'm who really matters. and sure, it's been a victory in the making. dishonor and mistakes i've not yet vanquished entirely, but i see them and i recognize them for their filth and deceit. i glare with a daunting humility because i recognize those failures and they tremble in their unveiling because this slow, steady release is now a vivid reality.
2010 is where i regain my honor and my dignity. i wont be held back by mistakes and shortcomings and shame of 2009. i've identified those failures and they perceive me as someone not worth fucking with anymore. so now i boldly claim 2010 as a year of victory over me.
04 January 2010
04 December 2009
sweet and sour
why do i expect forgiveness and grace? really, it's in no way a natural inclination, besides from the receiving end. and even that is not natural, i suppose.
i dont muse over this in a sense of, "woe is me. i could never be forgiven," but i find it truly interesting that i expect a reconciliation of forgiveness when i've wronged another. and really, what happens when i dont receive my self-entitled expectation? i become bitter and i become angry.
i suppose there's a lesson worth considering and learning from both sides. on the one hand, it's necessary to understand that forgiveness and grace are not instinctual entities. they are learned, contrived, emulated.
i forgive because i've been forgiven.
i show grace because grace has been poured over me and all around me, countless times.
but what about the other angle? what about this sense of bitterness and anger when i dont receive these conveniences i've been taught to expect? sure, to be forgiven and shown grace feels nice, but anger and bitterness are absolutely dreadful - and most times for all parties involved. it's interesting to consider whether or not all sides can benefit from an extension of forgiveness and grace. maybe eventually, but in the core of my feelings and my spirit i've found myself to initally ache upon extending a gracious and forgiving gift to another.
forgiveness and grace
bitterness and anger
i feel like this is not even nearly the beginning of the lesson.
so many more layers.
for example, the sour attitudes that arrive in the wake of witnessing another's good fortune. that's not only jealousy. it's more deeply rooted. there's a tie between all of this.
these are mysteries worth uncovering.
these are battles worth waging.
if for nothing else, for the sake of overcoming our childish immaturities and moving towards a continual growth and harmony of love.
i'd rather not expect from others what i'm not willing to extend.
...maybe there's a lesson about jesus somewhere in here, too.
i dont muse over this in a sense of, "woe is me. i could never be forgiven," but i find it truly interesting that i expect a reconciliation of forgiveness when i've wronged another. and really, what happens when i dont receive my self-entitled expectation? i become bitter and i become angry.
i suppose there's a lesson worth considering and learning from both sides. on the one hand, it's necessary to understand that forgiveness and grace are not instinctual entities. they are learned, contrived, emulated.
i forgive because i've been forgiven.
i show grace because grace has been poured over me and all around me, countless times.
but what about the other angle? what about this sense of bitterness and anger when i dont receive these conveniences i've been taught to expect? sure, to be forgiven and shown grace feels nice, but anger and bitterness are absolutely dreadful - and most times for all parties involved. it's interesting to consider whether or not all sides can benefit from an extension of forgiveness and grace. maybe eventually, but in the core of my feelings and my spirit i've found myself to initally ache upon extending a gracious and forgiving gift to another.
forgiveness and grace
bitterness and anger
i feel like this is not even nearly the beginning of the lesson.
so many more layers.
for example, the sour attitudes that arrive in the wake of witnessing another's good fortune. that's not only jealousy. it's more deeply rooted. there's a tie between all of this.
these are mysteries worth uncovering.
these are battles worth waging.
if for nothing else, for the sake of overcoming our childish immaturities and moving towards a continual growth and harmony of love.
i'd rather not expect from others what i'm not willing to extend.
...maybe there's a lesson about jesus somewhere in here, too.
30 November 2009
multiply
i've been forced to really peer inside of myself lately. i guess "force" is a harsh word. i've been urged, encouraged, longing after and moved towards a more in-depth self-inspection lately.
there are many times when i truly despise my findings from within.
i put on a confident air about me in many circumstances, but inside, there's a self consciousness i find truly unattractive. sure, i have many reasons - and good ones, too - to be confident, but i also have areas of fear and discomfort, maybe even embarrassment.
the truth of the matter, though, is that my areas of self consciousness need to be addressed.
as i'm writing, i'm beginning to recognize that many times when i'm self conscious or embarrassed it's when i find myself in a position of being good or ok, but not great - and knowing that i could be great. but instead of becoming great, i hide behind the mediocre and allow it to become a point of embarrassment or fear. and generally the fear is driving the embarrassment, and they're both deeply rooted in mediocrity.
i need to sing
i need to dance
i need to paint
and sew
and build
i need to write
and read
and become more educated
educated on america and the world -
on poverty and injustice
i need to play the piano
and the cello
i need to speak in public
and argue my points
i need to give my time
and my money
i need to apologize
i need to think beyond right now
and practice self control
discipline
commitment
trust
i need to do these things because i'm afraid to fail at them. and because i love myself. and because i love justice. i need to do these things because there's no good reason not to, and i've been called to multiply my talents.
there are many times when i truly despise my findings from within.
i put on a confident air about me in many circumstances, but inside, there's a self consciousness i find truly unattractive. sure, i have many reasons - and good ones, too - to be confident, but i also have areas of fear and discomfort, maybe even embarrassment.
the truth of the matter, though, is that my areas of self consciousness need to be addressed.
as i'm writing, i'm beginning to recognize that many times when i'm self conscious or embarrassed it's when i find myself in a position of being good or ok, but not great - and knowing that i could be great. but instead of becoming great, i hide behind the mediocre and allow it to become a point of embarrassment or fear. and generally the fear is driving the embarrassment, and they're both deeply rooted in mediocrity.
i need to sing
i need to dance
i need to paint
and sew
and build
i need to write
and read
and become more educated
educated on america and the world -
on poverty and injustice
i need to play the piano
and the cello
i need to speak in public
and argue my points
i need to give my time
and my money
i need to apologize
i need to think beyond right now
and practice self control
discipline
commitment
trust
i need to do these things because i'm afraid to fail at them. and because i love myself. and because i love justice. i need to do these things because there's no good reason not to, and i've been called to multiply my talents.
24 November 2009
trust
i wonder if the reason i dont trust can be found in my glaring and hideous unworthiness of trust. or is it that i'm not trustworthy because i seek to trust, only to be disappointed time and time again? or are the two entirely unrelated and worthy only of individual responsibility and consideration?
i do believe that my trustworthiness falls largely upon my own shoulders, meaning i'm probably due for some quality soul-searching into my darknesses and shortcomings.
there are times when i find myself longing for the convictions i once subscribed to, but why? i hear these convictions, these standard explained to me by those who still hold fast to such things and i cannot help being disgusted by the fear and naivity that drives them.
there are times - perhaps all the time- when i find i'm afraid to trust myself. why? maybe i dont want the disappointment to be directed at me when i'm the one who's pointing the finger.
sure, i'm ashamed of some of my personal decisions, but how much worse would i feel about myself and my standards if i came to a point of acknowledging and accounting for the areas in which i need to improve?
i do believe that my trustworthiness falls largely upon my own shoulders, meaning i'm probably due for some quality soul-searching into my darknesses and shortcomings.
there are times when i find myself longing for the convictions i once subscribed to, but why? i hear these convictions, these standard explained to me by those who still hold fast to such things and i cannot help being disgusted by the fear and naivity that drives them.
there are times - perhaps all the time- when i find i'm afraid to trust myself. why? maybe i dont want the disappointment to be directed at me when i'm the one who's pointing the finger.
sure, i'm ashamed of some of my personal decisions, but how much worse would i feel about myself and my standards if i came to a point of acknowledging and accounting for the areas in which i need to improve?
08 November 2009
how i feel today.
it's not so much that i believe unconditional love is something that can be grasped or attained or even sought after by human means - hell, maybe not even by a higher power or nonhuman standard - but moreso, it's that i truly believe with every fiber of my being that the love i've seen displayed most in my life is severely lacking.
i dont say that to be pompous and cynical.
and really, it's not some deep, philosophical concept. although it is something i ache for deeply and fight for hopefully.
and maybe unconditional love is the wrong name to brand it with. maybe that title cheapens everything that swarms through my thoughts as i consider caring for another without ill-assumptions or suspicious intent.
of course that's not the whole of it. god, no. i suppose i cant even begin to explore every piece to this puzzle, because, really, will i ever know when it's complete? should i? i dont think i should. and even if i should, i dont think i'd want to.
at least that's how i feel today.
i dont say that to be pompous and cynical.
and really, it's not some deep, philosophical concept. although it is something i ache for deeply and fight for hopefully.
and maybe unconditional love is the wrong name to brand it with. maybe that title cheapens everything that swarms through my thoughts as i consider caring for another without ill-assumptions or suspicious intent.
of course that's not the whole of it. god, no. i suppose i cant even begin to explore every piece to this puzzle, because, really, will i ever know when it's complete? should i? i dont think i should. and even if i should, i dont think i'd want to.
at least that's how i feel today.
05 November 2009
the longings of my heart
may i find it in me to love extravagantly, despite the return.
may my motives be pure and others' perception of me, simple.
may i exude a charm that annouces my acceptance of you and you and you.
may my character - though flawed - prove strong enough to be exposed.
may i resist complacency and shortcomings, rising to face today with honor and truth and love.
may dignity engulf me and radiate throughout me, touching and effecting others in a way that pushes us, all as one, toward a common denominator of unmerited and unconditional love.
may my words not be clouded by my actions.
may my motives be pure and others' perception of me, simple.
may i exude a charm that annouces my acceptance of you and you and you.
may my character - though flawed - prove strong enough to be exposed.
may i resist complacency and shortcomings, rising to face today with honor and truth and love.
may dignity engulf me and radiate throughout me, touching and effecting others in a way that pushes us, all as one, toward a common denominator of unmerited and unconditional love.
may my words not be clouded by my actions.
26 October 2009
standards of consistency
sometimes i wonder if the notions, the people, the characteristics and personalities that i despise in life are rooted in things i recognize and dislike about myself.
i can be so quick to expect actions or even restraint from others without any thought or understanding of how to display a mutual reasoning.
i dont want to be a representation of a double standard or empty values. i ache to see love in its fullest form, but i wonder if i'm doing all i can to be love...or am i just making a mockery along with all the others? i thrive on positivity and joy; however, my thoughts are vile, my assumptions ruthless. i cringe with everything in me when unfair judgement is passed, but what in my life is any better than those condescending gazes that i loathe?
i can be so quick to expect actions or even restraint from others without any thought or understanding of how to display a mutual reasoning.
i dont want to be a representation of a double standard or empty values. i ache to see love in its fullest form, but i wonder if i'm doing all i can to be love...or am i just making a mockery along with all the others? i thrive on positivity and joy; however, my thoughts are vile, my assumptions ruthless. i cringe with everything in me when unfair judgement is passed, but what in my life is any better than those condescending gazes that i loathe?
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