multiply

i've been forced to really peer inside of myself lately. i guess "force" is a harsh word. i've been urged, encouraged, longing after and moved towards a more in-depth self-inspection lately.

there are many times when i truly despise my findings from within.

i put on a confident air about me in many circumstances, but inside, there's a self consciousness i find truly unattractive. sure, i have many reasons - and good ones, too - to be confident, but i also have areas of fear and discomfort, maybe even embarrassment.

the truth of the matter, though, is that my areas of self consciousness need to be addressed.

as i'm writing, i'm beginning to recognize that many times when i'm self conscious or embarrassed it's when i find myself in a position of being good or ok, but not great - and knowing that i could be great. but instead of becoming great, i hide behind the mediocre and allow it to become a point of embarrassment or fear. and generally the fear is driving the embarrassment, and they're both deeply rooted in mediocrity.

i need to sing
i need to dance
i need to paint
and sew
and build
i need to write
and read
and become more educated
educated on america and the world -
on poverty and injustice
i need to play the piano
and the cello
i need to speak in public
and argue my points
i need to give my time
and my money
i need to apologize
i need to think beyond right now
and practice self control
discipline
commitment
trust

i need to do these things because i'm afraid to fail at them. and because i love myself. and because i love justice. i need to do these things because there's no good reason not to, and i've been called to multiply my talents.