2009

i've been putting off my remembrance of 2009 because, frankly, i dont know where the hell to begin. so much of it is a blur in my mind. to tell you the truth, i may have to say that 2009 has not been one of my prouder years. i've been ashamed of myself on numerous occasions throughout the year. i suppose that doesnt necessarily have to be a bad thing in hindsight so long as i've something to show for my mistakes and misguidance.

2009 was my first year of being a mom. i'm beginning to grow thankful for a lack of concrete memories during the early formative years, mostly because i know i havent gotten the hang of this mom thing yet. i've learned so much as a mother this year. so much about how little i know and how precious the little children are.

justice has saved me from myself on numerous occasions throughout this year.

fuck. who am i kidding? why am i sitting here trying to eloquently review my year when i can only be honest with myself in the realization that i've made a complete mess?

i have not been a good mother. i've spent so much of my time with distractions other than justice. i've taken advantage of my family to the point that i sometimes question if justice even knows that i'm his mom.

no more.

i've been too caught up in enjoying my young twenties that i've shunned dignity and honor. i've made myself a mockery rather than an example. i've been floundering about in my blind selfishness.

it's as if i built a coat of armor around myself in a mentality that i can do anything and conquer my battles without even recognizing the raging war of who i'm really meant to be, the example i'm really meant to make, the responsibility of motherhood i'm really a part of. and my armor slowly chips away. and i'm left naked staring at the pieces all around me wondering what unrecognizable creature those casings previously encased.

somewhere along the way, i chose sides. i suppose it's better to know whose honor i'm fighting for before engaging in the war. maybe thats the beauty of it. i fought in a losing battle for a vast majority of 2009, only to recognize with every failure and every gain that I'M what i'm fighting for. i'm who really matters. and sure, it's been a victory in the making. dishonor and mistakes i've not yet vanquished entirely, but i see them and i recognize them for their filth and deceit. i glare with a daunting humility because i recognize those failures and they tremble in their unveiling because this slow, steady release is now a vivid reality.

2010 is where i regain my honor and my dignity. i wont be held back by mistakes and shortcomings and shame of 2009. i've identified those failures and they perceive me as someone not worth fucking with anymore. so now i boldly claim 2010 as a year of victory over me.