29 October 2008


i think this may be the beginning of a beautiful thing.
not this.
thanks for the moapbox, dear pen pal.

23 October 2008


he deserves the best
my heart aches for what he lacks
god has a purpose

17 October 2008

oh, if only...

you know what i want to do really really badly? [badly? do i use badly there? that's an adverb. those were always tricky] i want to sit on a porch with friends. only friends we are i am comfortable with, and i want to have a couple packs of cloves sitting in the middle of us. and plenty of cold beer and/or delicious red wine. i want to smoke and i want to drink until the wee hours of the morning. and i want to talk. and talk and talk and talk and talk about meaningful things and silly things and personal things and absolutely anythings. and i want music. loud, ambient music to be playing. and i want to drift off to sleep after it's all over thinking damn i love my friends. and i want to wake up the next morning with a really really sore throat from all those delectable cloves. hopefully not too hung over. and then i want to go out for breakfast somewhere fattening. i miss friends.

14 October 2008

happiness for.

an important thing to learn in friendship is what i will refer to as happiness for.
this is something i'm only beginning to understand.
happiness for my friends' happiness.
happiness for my friends' success.
happiness for my friends' adventures and experiences.

so often it's easier to maintain a friendship level of happiness if.
happiness if i'm enjoying the activities of the friendship.
happiness if i feel more complete because of the friendship.
happiness if the friendship serves as a benefit to me.

it's so natural to base a friendship on what i can take away, but that is not friendship at all.
i dont want to be a friend who uses others to validate myself.
i want to be genuinely happy for my friends' happiness.

not to live in a state of envy or covetousness.
not to become bitter when the happiness they possess is not my own.

and if i can come to this place, i believe it will be beneficial for us all.
because to truly enjoy the friendship of others without ulterior motives or expectations will in turn make me a much happier and friendly person.

13 October 2008

so long

i hate goodbyes.
there's too much vulnerability required.
of course i could harden myself and not allow the pain to seep in,
but it hurts. my heart aches with every real goodbye.

12 October 2008

hello to you

i think i'll type some thoughts and observations here.
about myself
about others
about life in general

perhaps my love for writing will become more fine tuned as i take time for which to jot.