16 January 2010


lately i've been giving a lot of thought to the concept of romantic love. i'd suppose the reason has something to do with the fact that i'm in a fresh, new relationship full of excitement and strong feelings. i'm learning countless things from this relationship and being challenged and inspired in ways i've never known, but also in ways my spirit recognizes as right despite the unfamiliarity.

i feel stronger for the man i'm with now than i've ever felt before for anyone. so what does that mean? am i in love with him? my brain jumps straight to a 'yes' in response to that question, but my heart still ponders.

it's not that i've ever taken lightly to romantic love. i do not doubt that the times i've spoken those words before have been well thought out and based on strong feelings, but this is where i begin to question my understanding of love. i'm finding myself in a position where my standard notions towards love have become a giant mystery.

of course i've felt like i was in love before and those feelings were real, but love might not be a feeling. i'm not saying love is not just a feeling, but it's beginning to seem that love might not be a feeling at all.

sure, love can be felt, but if feelings were all love amounted to, i would find love to be a sad place to be.

no. love is not a feeling. if that were the case, i'd be finding myself in the danger zone of cheating on my boyfriend with a multitude of things and people whom i feel very strongly for.

when feelings become romantic and that romance becomes strong, i believe we've found ourselves face to face with infatuation. i think people often cringe at the negative connotation that the word 'infatuation' brings about, but, in all honesty, i want to be infatuated with the man i love. in the same vein, i want to be able to distinguish between feelings of infatuation and a knowledge of a real, true love.

i'm really just musing, because i do not even know the answer to all of this yet, but i do know this - i wish there were words other than love for the man i'm with now. because love has been used on people in my past and the one i'm with now deserves something i've never shared before. but then again, maybe it hasn't truly been shared before if all i've had were feelings. i'm not sure what that means, but i'm certain it's true and it's not just a feeling.

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