sweet and sour

why do i expect forgiveness and grace? really, it's in no way a natural inclination, besides from the receiving end. and even that is not natural, i suppose.

i dont muse over this in a sense of, "woe is me. i could never be forgiven," but i find it truly interesting that i expect a reconciliation of forgiveness when i've wronged another. and really, what happens when i dont receive my self-entitled expectation? i become bitter and i become angry.

i suppose there's a lesson worth considering and learning from both sides. on the one hand, it's necessary to understand that forgiveness and grace are not instinctual entities. they are learned, contrived, emulated.

i forgive because i've been forgiven.
i show grace because grace has been poured over me and all around me, countless times.

but what about the other angle? what about this sense of bitterness and anger when i dont receive these conveniences i've been taught to expect? sure, to be forgiven and shown grace feels nice, but anger and bitterness are absolutely dreadful - and most times for all parties involved. it's interesting to consider whether or not all sides can benefit from an extension of forgiveness and grace. maybe eventually, but in the core of my feelings and my spirit i've found myself to initally ache upon extending a gracious and forgiving gift to another.

forgiveness and grace
bitterness and anger

i feel like this is not even nearly the beginning of the lesson.
so many more layers.

for example, the sour attitudes that arrive in the wake of witnessing another's good fortune. that's not only jealousy. it's more deeply rooted. there's a tie between all of this.

these are mysteries worth uncovering.
these are battles worth waging.

if for nothing else, for the sake of overcoming our childish immaturities and moving towards a continual growth and harmony of love.

i'd rather not expect from others what i'm not willing to extend.

...maybe there's a lesson about jesus somewhere in here, too.