sweet and sour

why do i expect forgiveness and grace? really, it's in no way a natural inclination, besides from the receiving end. and even that is not natural, i suppose.

i dont muse over this in a sense of, "woe is me. i could never be forgiven," but i find it truly interesting that i expect a reconciliation of forgiveness when i've wronged another. and really, what happens when i dont receive my self-entitled expectation? i become bitter and i become angry.

i suppose there's a lesson worth considering and learning from both sides. on the one hand, it's necessary to understand that forgiveness and grace are not instinctual entities. they are learned, contrived, emulated.

i forgive because i've been forgiven.
i show grace because grace has been poured over me and all around me, countless times.

but what about the other angle? what about this sense of bitterness and anger when i dont receive these conveniences i've been taught to expect? sure, to be forgiven and shown grace feels nice, but anger and bitterness are absolutely dreadful - and most times for all parties involved. it's interesting to consider whether or not all sides can benefit from an extension of forgiveness and grace. maybe eventually, but in the core of my feelings and my spirit i've found myself to initally ache upon extending a gracious and forgiving gift to another.

forgiveness and grace
bitterness and anger

i feel like this is not even nearly the beginning of the lesson.
so many more layers.

for example, the sour attitudes that arrive in the wake of witnessing another's good fortune. that's not only jealousy. it's more deeply rooted. there's a tie between all of this.

these are mysteries worth uncovering.
these are battles worth waging.

if for nothing else, for the sake of overcoming our childish immaturities and moving towards a continual growth and harmony of love.

i'd rather not expect from others what i'm not willing to extend.

...maybe there's a lesson about jesus somewhere in here, too.

multiply

i've been forced to really peer inside of myself lately. i guess "force" is a harsh word. i've been urged, encouraged, longing after and moved towards a more in-depth self-inspection lately.

there are many times when i truly despise my findings from within.

i put on a confident air about me in many circumstances, but inside, there's a self consciousness i find truly unattractive. sure, i have many reasons - and good ones, too - to be confident, but i also have areas of fear and discomfort, maybe even embarrassment.

the truth of the matter, though, is that my areas of self consciousness need to be addressed.

as i'm writing, i'm beginning to recognize that many times when i'm self conscious or embarrassed it's when i find myself in a position of being good or ok, but not great - and knowing that i could be great. but instead of becoming great, i hide behind the mediocre and allow it to become a point of embarrassment or fear. and generally the fear is driving the embarrassment, and they're both deeply rooted in mediocrity.

i need to sing
i need to dance
i need to paint
and sew
and build
i need to write
and read
and become more educated
educated on america and the world -
on poverty and injustice
i need to play the piano
and the cello
i need to speak in public
and argue my points
i need to give my time
and my money
i need to apologize
i need to think beyond right now
and practice self control
discipline
commitment
trust

i need to do these things because i'm afraid to fail at them. and because i love myself. and because i love justice. i need to do these things because there's no good reason not to, and i've been called to multiply my talents.

trust

i wonder if the reason i dont trust can be found in my glaring and hideous unworthiness of trust. or is it that i'm not trustworthy because i seek to trust, only to be disappointed time and time again? or are the two entirely unrelated and worthy only of individual responsibility and consideration?

i do believe that my trustworthiness falls largely upon my own shoulders, meaning i'm probably due for some quality soul-searching into my darknesses and shortcomings.

there are times when i find myself longing for the convictions i once subscribed to, but why? i hear these convictions, these standard explained to me by those who still hold fast to such things and i cannot help being disgusted by the fear and naivity that drives them.

there are times - perhaps all the time- when i find i'm afraid to trust myself. why? maybe i dont want the disappointment to be directed at me when i'm the one who's pointing the finger.

sure, i'm ashamed of some of my personal decisions, but how much worse would i feel about myself and my standards if i came to a point of acknowledging and accounting for the areas in which i need to improve?

how i feel today.

it's not so much that i believe unconditional love is something that can be grasped or attained or even sought after by human means - hell, maybe not even by a higher power or nonhuman standard - but moreso, it's that i truly believe with every fiber of my being that the love i've seen displayed most in my life is severely lacking.

i dont say that to be pompous and cynical.

and really, it's not some deep, philosophical concept. although it is something i ache for deeply and fight for hopefully.

and maybe unconditional love is the wrong name to brand it with. maybe that title cheapens everything that swarms through my thoughts as i consider caring for another without ill-assumptions or suspicious intent.

of course that's not the whole of it. god, no. i suppose i cant even begin to explore every piece to this puzzle, because, really, will i ever know when it's complete? should i? i dont think i should. and even if i should, i dont think i'd want to.

at least that's how i feel today.

the longings of my heart

may i find it in me to love extravagantly, despite the return.
may my motives be pure and others' perception of me, simple.
may i exude a charm that annouces my acceptance of you and you and you.
may my character - though flawed - prove strong enough to be exposed.
may i resist complacency and shortcomings, rising to face today with honor and truth and love.
may dignity engulf me and radiate throughout me, touching and effecting others in a way that pushes us, all as one, toward a common denominator of unmerited and unconditional love.
may my words not be clouded by my actions.

standards of consistency

sometimes i wonder if the notions, the people, the characteristics and personalities that i despise in life are rooted in things i recognize and dislike about myself.

i can be so quick to expect actions or even restraint from others without any thought or understanding of how to display a mutual reasoning.

i dont want to be a representation of a double standard or empty values. i ache to see love in its fullest form, but i wonder if i'm doing all i can to be love...or am i just making a mockery along with all the others? i thrive on positivity and joy; however, my thoughts are vile, my assumptions ruthless. i cringe with everything in me when unfair judgement is passed, but what in my life is any better than those condescending gazes that i loathe?

reprise

i feared my craving for poison -
convinced it would set in.
i feared a complacency with porcelain.
now my world turns upside down
as i find my porcelain to be poison,
and my craving is for purity.