gentle as a dove

our words are so precious.

i find it interesting how easily i can ramble and gush to my friends and then how quick i am to snap at my mother. i become tongue-tied with feelings of inadequacy and frustration when i speak to justice's father. and then my words become inspired to much deeper thoughts of betterment when speaking with my darling. i use my words to discuss experience and wisdom with my siblings. and i attempt to plan my words with good intentions around my son. more often than not, i stifle my words to my god.

my words have been sources of inspiration and soothing charm, while out of the same mouth i spout vile daggers of bitterness and contempt.

i hear words i mistrust being spoken every day, as well as ones i want to believe i can trust.

i make a point of practicing honesty, which is undoubtedly admirable, but what about the honest phrases i spew in anger that can never again be unspoken?

i'm not sending myself on any sort of guilt trip here, and really, i may be pointing fingers more than i am taking the blame, but doesn't it all come back to me anyway?

i can only be responsible for the things i say.

and to go a bit deeper - only i am responsible for
the words that don't or stubbornly won't leave my mouth.

so i could sit here all day pleading for well-thought words of love, and there are times when that may be necessary and right, but at this point i find it only pertinent to remind myself to be wise as a serpent yet gentle as a dove.

because even a cup of cold water given to an enemy will reap an unimaginable reward - even if that reward simply amounts to peace.

interesting choice of words - simply amounts to peace....

lurve

lately i've been giving a lot of thought to the concept of romantic love. i'd suppose the reason has something to do with the fact that i'm in a fresh, new relationship full of excitement and strong feelings. i'm learning countless things from this relationship and being challenged and inspired in ways i've never known, but also in ways my spirit recognizes as right despite the unfamiliarity.

i feel stronger for the man i'm with now than i've ever felt before for anyone. so what does that mean? am i in love with him? my brain jumps straight to a 'yes' in response to that question, but my heart still ponders.

it's not that i've ever taken lightly to romantic love. i do not doubt that the times i've spoken those words before have been well thought out and based on strong feelings, but this is where i begin to question my understanding of love. i'm finding myself in a position where my standard notions towards love have become a giant mystery.

of course i've felt like i was in love before and those feelings were real, but love might not be a feeling. i'm not saying love is not just a feeling, but it's beginning to seem that love might not be a feeling at all.

sure, love can be felt, but if feelings were all love amounted to, i would find love to be a sad place to be.

no. love is not a feeling. if that were the case, i'd be finding myself in the danger zone of cheating on my boyfriend with a multitude of things and people whom i feel very strongly for.

when feelings become romantic and that romance becomes strong, i believe we've found ourselves face to face with infatuation. i think people often cringe at the negative connotation that the word 'infatuation' brings about, but, in all honesty, i want to be infatuated with the man i love. in the same vein, i want to be able to distinguish between feelings of infatuation and a knowledge of a real, true love.

i'm really just musing, because i do not even know the answer to all of this yet, but i do know this - i wish there were words other than love for the man i'm with now. because love has been used on people in my past and the one i'm with now deserves something i've never shared before. but then again, maybe it hasn't truly been shared before if all i've had were feelings. i'm not sure what that means, but i'm certain it's true and it's not just a feeling.

2009

i've been putting off my remembrance of 2009 because, frankly, i dont know where the hell to begin. so much of it is a blur in my mind. to tell you the truth, i may have to say that 2009 has not been one of my prouder years. i've been ashamed of myself on numerous occasions throughout the year. i suppose that doesnt necessarily have to be a bad thing in hindsight so long as i've something to show for my mistakes and misguidance.

2009 was my first year of being a mom. i'm beginning to grow thankful for a lack of concrete memories during the early formative years, mostly because i know i havent gotten the hang of this mom thing yet. i've learned so much as a mother this year. so much about how little i know and how precious the little children are.

justice has saved me from myself on numerous occasions throughout this year.

fuck. who am i kidding? why am i sitting here trying to eloquently review my year when i can only be honest with myself in the realization that i've made a complete mess?

i have not been a good mother. i've spent so much of my time with distractions other than justice. i've taken advantage of my family to the point that i sometimes question if justice even knows that i'm his mom.

no more.

i've been too caught up in enjoying my young twenties that i've shunned dignity and honor. i've made myself a mockery rather than an example. i've been floundering about in my blind selfishness.

it's as if i built a coat of armor around myself in a mentality that i can do anything and conquer my battles without even recognizing the raging war of who i'm really meant to be, the example i'm really meant to make, the responsibility of motherhood i'm really a part of. and my armor slowly chips away. and i'm left naked staring at the pieces all around me wondering what unrecognizable creature those casings previously encased.

somewhere along the way, i chose sides. i suppose it's better to know whose honor i'm fighting for before engaging in the war. maybe thats the beauty of it. i fought in a losing battle for a vast majority of 2009, only to recognize with every failure and every gain that I'M what i'm fighting for. i'm who really matters. and sure, it's been a victory in the making. dishonor and mistakes i've not yet vanquished entirely, but i see them and i recognize them for their filth and deceit. i glare with a daunting humility because i recognize those failures and they tremble in their unveiling because this slow, steady release is now a vivid reality.

2010 is where i regain my honor and my dignity. i wont be held back by mistakes and shortcomings and shame of 2009. i've identified those failures and they perceive me as someone not worth fucking with anymore. so now i boldly claim 2010 as a year of victory over me.