multiply

i've been forced to really peer inside of myself lately. i guess "force" is a harsh word. i've been urged, encouraged, longing after and moved towards a more in-depth self-inspection lately.

there are many times when i truly despise my findings from within.

i put on a confident air about me in many circumstances, but inside, there's a self consciousness i find truly unattractive. sure, i have many reasons - and good ones, too - to be confident, but i also have areas of fear and discomfort, maybe even embarrassment.

the truth of the matter, though, is that my areas of self consciousness need to be addressed.

as i'm writing, i'm beginning to recognize that many times when i'm self conscious or embarrassed it's when i find myself in a position of being good or ok, but not great - and knowing that i could be great. but instead of becoming great, i hide behind the mediocre and allow it to become a point of embarrassment or fear. and generally the fear is driving the embarrassment, and they're both deeply rooted in mediocrity.

i need to sing
i need to dance
i need to paint
and sew
and build
i need to write
and read
and become more educated
educated on america and the world -
on poverty and injustice
i need to play the piano
and the cello
i need to speak in public
and argue my points
i need to give my time
and my money
i need to apologize
i need to think beyond right now
and practice self control
discipline
commitment
trust

i need to do these things because i'm afraid to fail at them. and because i love myself. and because i love justice. i need to do these things because there's no good reason not to, and i've been called to multiply my talents.

trust

i wonder if the reason i dont trust can be found in my glaring and hideous unworthiness of trust. or is it that i'm not trustworthy because i seek to trust, only to be disappointed time and time again? or are the two entirely unrelated and worthy only of individual responsibility and consideration?

i do believe that my trustworthiness falls largely upon my own shoulders, meaning i'm probably due for some quality soul-searching into my darknesses and shortcomings.

there are times when i find myself longing for the convictions i once subscribed to, but why? i hear these convictions, these standard explained to me by those who still hold fast to such things and i cannot help being disgusted by the fear and naivity that drives them.

there are times - perhaps all the time- when i find i'm afraid to trust myself. why? maybe i dont want the disappointment to be directed at me when i'm the one who's pointing the finger.

sure, i'm ashamed of some of my personal decisions, but how much worse would i feel about myself and my standards if i came to a point of acknowledging and accounting for the areas in which i need to improve?

how i feel today.

it's not so much that i believe unconditional love is something that can be grasped or attained or even sought after by human means - hell, maybe not even by a higher power or nonhuman standard - but moreso, it's that i truly believe with every fiber of my being that the love i've seen displayed most in my life is severely lacking.

i dont say that to be pompous and cynical.

and really, it's not some deep, philosophical concept. although it is something i ache for deeply and fight for hopefully.

and maybe unconditional love is the wrong name to brand it with. maybe that title cheapens everything that swarms through my thoughts as i consider caring for another without ill-assumptions or suspicious intent.

of course that's not the whole of it. god, no. i suppose i cant even begin to explore every piece to this puzzle, because, really, will i ever know when it's complete? should i? i dont think i should. and even if i should, i dont think i'd want to.

at least that's how i feel today.

the longings of my heart

may i find it in me to love extravagantly, despite the return.
may my motives be pure and others' perception of me, simple.
may i exude a charm that annouces my acceptance of you and you and you.
may my character - though flawed - prove strong enough to be exposed.
may i resist complacency and shortcomings, rising to face today with honor and truth and love.
may dignity engulf me and radiate throughout me, touching and effecting others in a way that pushes us, all as one, toward a common denominator of unmerited and unconditional love.
may my words not be clouded by my actions.