trust

i wonder if the reason i dont trust can be found in my glaring and hideous unworthiness of trust. or is it that i'm not trustworthy because i seek to trust, only to be disappointed time and time again? or are the two entirely unrelated and worthy only of individual responsibility and consideration?

i do believe that my trustworthiness falls largely upon my own shoulders, meaning i'm probably due for some quality soul-searching into my darknesses and shortcomings.

there are times when i find myself longing for the convictions i once subscribed to, but why? i hear these convictions, these standard explained to me by those who still hold fast to such things and i cannot help being disgusted by the fear and naivity that drives them.

there are times - perhaps all the time- when i find i'm afraid to trust myself. why? maybe i dont want the disappointment to be directed at me when i'm the one who's pointing the finger.

sure, i'm ashamed of some of my personal decisions, but how much worse would i feel about myself and my standards if i came to a point of acknowledging and accounting for the areas in which i need to improve?

how i feel today.

it's not so much that i believe unconditional love is something that can be grasped or attained or even sought after by human means - hell, maybe not even by a higher power or nonhuman standard - but moreso, it's that i truly believe with every fiber of my being that the love i've seen displayed most in my life is severely lacking.

i dont say that to be pompous and cynical.

and really, it's not some deep, philosophical concept. although it is something i ache for deeply and fight for hopefully.

and maybe unconditional love is the wrong name to brand it with. maybe that title cheapens everything that swarms through my thoughts as i consider caring for another without ill-assumptions or suspicious intent.

of course that's not the whole of it. god, no. i suppose i cant even begin to explore every piece to this puzzle, because, really, will i ever know when it's complete? should i? i dont think i should. and even if i should, i dont think i'd want to.

at least that's how i feel today.

the longings of my heart

may i find it in me to love extravagantly, despite the return.
may my motives be pure and others' perception of me, simple.
may i exude a charm that annouces my acceptance of you and you and you.
may my character - though flawed - prove strong enough to be exposed.
may i resist complacency and shortcomings, rising to face today with honor and truth and love.
may dignity engulf me and radiate throughout me, touching and effecting others in a way that pushes us, all as one, toward a common denominator of unmerited and unconditional love.
may my words not be clouded by my actions.

standards of consistency

sometimes i wonder if the notions, the people, the characteristics and personalities that i despise in life are rooted in things i recognize and dislike about myself.

i can be so quick to expect actions or even restraint from others without any thought or understanding of how to display a mutual reasoning.

i dont want to be a representation of a double standard or empty values. i ache to see love in its fullest form, but i wonder if i'm doing all i can to be love...or am i just making a mockery along with all the others? i thrive on positivity and joy; however, my thoughts are vile, my assumptions ruthless. i cringe with everything in me when unfair judgement is passed, but what in my life is any better than those condescending gazes that i loathe?

reprise

i feared my craving for poison -
convinced it would set in.
i feared a complacency with porcelain.
now my world turns upside down
as i find my porcelain to be poison,
and my craving is for purity.

where you'll be

you'll occupy my prayers,
but you wont be in my life.
you'll occur in my thoughts,
but you wont be in my life.
you'll burden my heart,
but you wont be in my life.
you'll creep into my memories,
but you wont be in my life.

you'll move forward with your life
as i move forward with my own.
you may have a permanent attitude
of bitterness and hatred towards me,
but i towards you will only think
with a heaviness and a hope
for success and fulfilled potential.

porcelain vs poison

dear porcelain,
come to me with poison
that i may taste of the forbidden nectar
my flesh craves.

dear porcelain,
you'll crumble beneath my grip,
for i seem only to grasp at death
destroying everything in my wake.

dear porcelain,
your beauty and worth are undeniable.
i ache to look away.
your flawlessness is my forever foe.

dear porcelain,
you are complete,
but me, i am undone.
i long to keep you as you are -
a treasure, rare to be found.

and now, dear porcelain,
i must place you on my shelf
to be seen and wondered at.
but i will look away
my addiction creeping in

because it is poison
for which i crave.