filing cabinet

i find lately that my life works primarily in compartments and lists and plans. i wonder how dangerous this may be. i wish not to be so structured and regimented. i love calendars and planners and stickies, to do lists, time blocks and and and. this seems to be an element of my character that is lately becoming more pronounced. sometimes i think i would like to be more flexible, more free spirited, but i wonder if life is now demanding me to be more grounded and defined.

i find myself envying those who come and go as they please, those who seize opportunities and squeeze the most out of every desire and whim.

envy - in my life - always displays itself through bitterness or anger. i seem to want to fasten my control, compartments, lists to those whose lives do not function in my same manner.

recognition is a bitch

now i must determine to display this character with a tone of love, to keep my envy, bitterness, wrath under wraps for the sake of loving god and loving others. i think this attribute of my character is necessary in that it aids in my daily function; however, i must be open to change. i must be sensitive to other personalities. i must never compartmentalize my life to a point of turning others to anger or bitterness.

may this be a lesson.

i think i cant

cant do it anymore.

too much heartache.

i'm trying to make someone love me who never will.
and i cant anymore.

lonesome

well i kinda just miss having people to dislike. does that make me crazy? i guess it's just socializing as a whole. there are some people who i could never get enough of and there were others who i had to take in small doses and there were others who i wish i never had a dose of, but at this point of loneliness, i would enjoy even the less desirable if not only for the sake of socializing and conversation.

may this be a lesson,

"....trying to fix him, or distract him, or jolly him out of his depression would actually be a disservice. i prayed for the willingness to let him feel sad and displaced until he was able to stop slogging through the confusion and step back into the river of ordinariness."

thank you, anne lamott.

stay in my memory

man, i miss you beef.
sometimes i get mad at my heart because it wants you so much, and sometimes i wonder if i should fight against that longing or just give in, but would giving in mean setting myself up for failure and is it wrong to set yourself up for failure if that's where your heart truly is? these are the things i think about sometimes. but not too much because if i think about it too much i cry because my heart hurts a lot.
i love you.

advice

little brother,
i love you.
my heart breaks for your heartache.
i know. i understand.
i want so much better for you than the example i've displayed.
please learn from what i've learned.
please be strong.
you ARE strong. you ARE a man of victory.
show that to the world.
i believe in you. no matter what.
good decisions, bad decisions - you are my brother and my love will never decrease.
but please, trust me.
these things are not worthy of you.
believe it. live it. rise above.
i love you.

happy conception!

so we're at the colour revolt show, right? of course it's amazing. after it's over, we're talking about what to do. and as we're sitting around figuring things out [still at the bar], i say to andrew "we NEED to tell them about justice being made one year ago today." so andrew's a little hesitant, wondering if it would be an uncomfortable thing for them to hear, but i insisted that it was an excellent idea. so two of the guys [len and jess = drummer and lead vocals] were sitting at the bar with their backs to us. i walked up to them and put my arm around both of their shoulders saying, "sooo do you guys want to hear a funny story?" of course they say yes. so i say "wellllllllllll, do you remember playing a show in orlando EXACTLY one year ago?"
len says "yeah at the social, right? ooh let me guess...you were there!?"
"yeah! but that's not the funny part!"
so len and jess begin going back and forth guessing the most random shit...
[[meanwhile, andrew has walked up and is now standing with us, so andrew and i are standing there laughing our arses off as they guess]]
guesses include [but are not limited to]: "ummm you guys made out at that show?"
"noooooo guess again"
"ok ummm you both lost your virginity that night"
"nooo but you're getting closer!"
"hmmm you both had sex with the SAME person at different times throughout the night AT the show"
"hahahahahahahahha nooooooooooooo"
"ok tell us!!"
so i said, "welllll, on that night exactly one year ago today, we conceived our baby!"
LET ME TELL YOU. THEY WENT NUTS! they start jumping and fist pumping and celebrating. they're all, "WE DID IT!!!!!! WE'RE FATHERSSS!!!! WE HAVE A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE BEST NEWS EVERRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!SDLFWEORUWOEJFKLSIFJKLTIWHE"
so they start running around the bar telling EVERYONE and pointing us out.
people are cheering.
andrew and i are dancing around all giddy because of the excitement. so then they come back to us and they say "whatever you want! you will NEVER pay for another one of our shows as long as you live!!!! justice comes too!!!! we'll give you three of everything! we're not even DRUNK!!!" baaaahahaha. i couldnt believe how excited they got. so THEN, they decided to sign one of their records for justice. so they ALL sign the record with things like "to our darling baby boy" and "justice! live forever!!!" and "justice my baby you are ours" and "may the silver bells of justice ring ever true" and "raise 'em high! bring the fury strength and joy, justice!" so yeah. now we have this f-ing tight ass record signed for justice by the members of the band that played on the night of his conception!

FULL CIRCLE! HAPPY CONCEPTION NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lurve

i miss you more than ever right now
and our portofino dreams
let's run away together
oh and jump on the back of a train - it's easy, right?

moapbox

i think this may be the beginning of a beautiful thing.
not this.
thanks for the moapbox, dear pen pal.

haiku

he deserves the best
my heart aches for what he lacks
god has a purpose

oh, if only...

you know what i want to do really really badly? [badly? do i use badly there? that's an adverb. those were always tricky] i want to sit on a porch with friends. only friends we are i am comfortable with, and i want to have a couple packs of cloves sitting in the middle of us. and plenty of cold beer and/or delicious red wine. i want to smoke and i want to drink until the wee hours of the morning. and i want to talk. and talk and talk and talk and talk about meaningful things and silly things and personal things and absolutely anythings. and i want music. loud, ambient music to be playing. and i want to drift off to sleep after it's all over thinking damn i love my friends. and i want to wake up the next morning with a really really sore throat from all those delectable cloves. hopefully not too hung over. and then i want to go out for breakfast somewhere fattening. i miss friends.

happiness for.

an important thing to learn in friendship is what i will refer to as happiness for.
this is something i'm only beginning to understand.
happiness for my friends' happiness.
happiness for my friends' success.
happiness for my friends' adventures and experiences.

so often it's easier to maintain a friendship level of happiness if.
happiness if i'm enjoying the activities of the friendship.
happiness if i feel more complete because of the friendship.
happiness if the friendship serves as a benefit to me.

it's so natural to base a friendship on what i can take away, but that is not friendship at all.
i dont want to be a friend who uses others to validate myself.
i want to be genuinely happy for my friends' happiness.

not to live in a state of envy or covetousness.
not to become bitter when the happiness they possess is not my own.

and if i can come to this place, i believe it will be beneficial for us all.
because to truly enjoy the friendship of others without ulterior motives or expectations will in turn make me a much happier and friendly person.

so long

i hate goodbyes.
there's too much vulnerability required.
of course i could harden myself and not allow the pain to seep in,
but it hurts. my heart aches with every real goodbye.

hello to you

i think i'll type some thoughts and observations here.
about myself
about others
about life in general

perhaps my love for writing will become more fine tuned as i take time for which to jot.