hosea 2:14,15

"but then i will win her back once again.
i will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her there.
i will return her vineyards to her
and transform the valley of trouble
into a gateway of hope."

elementary

i understand no concept of intimacy.
i short change myself consistently.

filing cabinet

i find lately that my life works primarily in compartments and lists and plans. i wonder how dangerous this may be. i wish not to be so structured and regimented. i love calendars and planners and stickies, to do lists, time blocks and and and. this seems to be an element of my character that is lately becoming more pronounced. sometimes i think i would like to be more flexible, more free spirited, but i wonder if life is now demanding me to be more grounded and defined.

i find myself envying those who come and go as they please, those who seize opportunities and squeeze the most out of every desire and whim.

envy - in my life - always displays itself through bitterness or anger. i seem to want to fasten my control, compartments, lists to those whose lives do not function in my same manner.

recognition is a bitch

now i must determine to display this character with a tone of love, to keep my envy, bitterness, wrath under wraps for the sake of loving god and loving others. i think this attribute of my character is necessary in that it aids in my daily function; however, i must be open to change. i must be sensitive to other personalities. i must never compartmentalize my life to a point of turning others to anger or bitterness.

may this be a lesson.

i think i cant

cant do it anymore.

too much heartache.

i'm trying to make someone love me who never will.
and i cant anymore.

lonesome

well i kinda just miss having people to dislike. does that make me crazy? i guess it's just socializing as a whole. there are some people who i could never get enough of and there were others who i had to take in small doses and there were others who i wish i never had a dose of, but at this point of loneliness, i would enjoy even the less desirable if not only for the sake of socializing and conversation.

may this be a lesson,

"....trying to fix him, or distract him, or jolly him out of his depression would actually be a disservice. i prayed for the willingness to let him feel sad and displaced until he was able to stop slogging through the confusion and step back into the river of ordinariness."

thank you, anne lamott.

stay in my memory

man, i miss you beef.
sometimes i get mad at my heart because it wants you so much, and sometimes i wonder if i should fight against that longing or just give in, but would giving in mean setting myself up for failure and is it wrong to set yourself up for failure if that's where your heart truly is? these are the things i think about sometimes. but not too much because if i think about it too much i cry because my heart hurts a lot.
i love you.