where you'll be

you'll occupy my prayers,
but you wont be in my life.
you'll occur in my thoughts,
but you wont be in my life.
you'll burden my heart,
but you wont be in my life.
you'll creep into my memories,
but you wont be in my life.

you'll move forward with your life
as i move forward with my own.
you may have a permanent attitude
of bitterness and hatred towards me,
but i towards you will only think
with a heaviness and a hope
for success and fulfilled potential.

porcelain vs poison

dear porcelain,
come to me with poison
that i may taste of the forbidden nectar
my flesh craves.

dear porcelain,
you'll crumble beneath my grip,
for i seem only to grasp at death
destroying everything in my wake.

dear porcelain,
your beauty and worth are undeniable.
i ache to look away.
your flawlessness is my forever foe.

dear porcelain,
you are complete,
but me, i am undone.
i long to keep you as you are -
a treasure, rare to be found.

and now, dear porcelain,
i must place you on my shelf
to be seen and wondered at.
but i will look away
my addiction creeping in

because it is poison
for which i crave.

forgotten

who am i, you ask?
i'll tell you who i am.
i am daughter of the most high king.
i am beauty, clothed in grace and redemption.

who am i, you ask?
i'll tell you who i'm not.
i'm not a cheap thrill.
i'm not one to be toyed with and put to shame.

i'm not changing me for you.
me is here to stay.

who are you to think you can alter me?
you are not my god.
you are not my love or my devotion.

sadly, you are only a mere memory to be forgotten.
sadly, for you, that is.

and i will forget you because you are not worthy of me.

dear justice,

a letter to you.

i urge you to seek and to find.

a jesus who will go against every natural inclination you may have for what's fair and just.
a jesus who compares his kingdom to mustard seeds. a jesus who will leave a whole flock of sheep behind in concern for one who may be struggling. a jesus who is gentle enough to heal the hurting yet powerful enough to make the demons shudder at the sound of his name.

jesus is not safe, precious child. but know this - he is good.

this world will teach you to earn your way to success; to always look out for yourself. jesus will tell you to love your enemies and forsake all else for the sake of others. jesus will tell you there is no profit to gain the whole world if you lose you own soul.

churches may teach you that jesus requires your time and your money. the truth is - you, precious child, are the church and all jesus would like is your willing love and devotion.

christians may tell you that you can only follow jesus by gauging the acts of others against your own. but this jesus, precious child, looks only at the heart and you cannot see into another person's intentions.

i tell you these things not to confuse or overwhelm you, but rather to inspire.

although this jesus does not add up to the world you know, i encourage you to know this jesus.

i encourage you to challenge the things of this world because they are temporary. i encourage you to love blindly and determine in your heart to stand for what's right and true.

i love you.

hosea 2:14,15

"but then i will win her back once again.
i will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her there.
i will return her vineyards to her
and transform the valley of trouble
into a gateway of hope."

elementary

i understand no concept of intimacy.
i short change myself consistently.

filing cabinet

i find lately that my life works primarily in compartments and lists and plans. i wonder how dangerous this may be. i wish not to be so structured and regimented. i love calendars and planners and stickies, to do lists, time blocks and and and. this seems to be an element of my character that is lately becoming more pronounced. sometimes i think i would like to be more flexible, more free spirited, but i wonder if life is now demanding me to be more grounded and defined.

i find myself envying those who come and go as they please, those who seize opportunities and squeeze the most out of every desire and whim.

envy - in my life - always displays itself through bitterness or anger. i seem to want to fasten my control, compartments, lists to those whose lives do not function in my same manner.

recognition is a bitch

now i must determine to display this character with a tone of love, to keep my envy, bitterness, wrath under wraps for the sake of loving god and loving others. i think this attribute of my character is necessary in that it aids in my daily function; however, i must be open to change. i must be sensitive to other personalities. i must never compartmentalize my life to a point of turning others to anger or bitterness.

may this be a lesson.