a review

i generally write my Year in Review much closer to the new year, but i suppose that's not the case with my review of 2010.

a year ago, when i wrote about 2009, i was overcome with sadness and shame. the result from that painful reflection was a newly birthed sense of determination. i was determined to rise above mediocrity and to regain a sense of dignity; a deserved dignity - not just an allusion of such.

2010 began with excitement, intermingled with a heaviness of heart. i was in the beginning of my exclusive relationship with jasson, which brought me so much joy, but i was fearful that it could crumble at any moment due to multiple conflicting factors - distance being the largest. i think we were both afraid. we also knew we had to try. so try we did. endless hours on the phone. always looking for a moment to video chat. text messages and emails and postcards and packages - anything possible to placate our longing for one another.

exclusivity turned into love and the stakes were raised. we were no longer trying to make a long distance relationship work; now we were searching for a means to be together. we both recognized the severity of our love. it was something very new and very unique. we were not completing one another, as some may say; rather, we were providing one another with an unknown sense of inspiration and growth. jasson made me better. i found myself to be very uninterested and disappointed in my former methods of entertainment; granted it was all a necessary process of growing up and learning.

i would have to say that a large theme of this year is the truth that necessity breeds invention. over and over again throughout 2010, i've learned and experienced moments of fruitfulness that were truly miraculous.

i believe 2010 deserves to be remembered as a year in which i learned the magnitude and power of love. mushy as it may be, love is the driving force by which i became - and continue to become - a mother i am proud to be. justice has become a joy of my life this year; no matter the amount of challenges and obstacles, i have had nothing but pride and excitement for being a mother in 2010. the same goes for jasson. our love developed with an intense fury, no matter the distance. we were apprehensive and cautious in some respects, but ultimately love won, creating an offspring of invention. we were brought together from across the country, stifling our fears and embracing the beautiful love we had chosen to create. we created a commitment that has transformed into a lifetime of adventure that we will now share - all widely within 2010, with a little bit of 2009 sprinkled in there.

if ever i felt there were any reasons to be cynical or ungrateful, those reasons have all been demolished as i have experienced the fruitfulness of love and miracles brought about by necessity.

lurve reprise

i wish i could tell you how much i love you.
but the words in my lexicon fall dreadfully short of such a task.
i'd like to be able to show you how real my love for you is,
but the magnificence of such a display may never translate enough to be grasped.

even if i could paint a picture to illustrate my love,
i know i'd find the available spectrum of colors to lack the proper brilliance and luster.

there are times when i feel that rhythm may be birthed within me,
and i might be able to dance to the tune of my love for you,
but rhythm so pure and movements so defined are extinct before ever existing.

i often find myself trying to sing the song of love that my soul has written for you,
but the lyrics are impossible to comprehend,
the pitch so perfect it rings silently, as noise may tarnish its flawlessness.

i do not know how to express my depth of love for you.

i dont know how to make sense of watching the wind move branches in a tree,
causing the leaves to kiss one another,
and knowing that that is a portion of my love for you.

i watch the sun at dusk creating sillhouettes that take my breath away,
and i know my love for you is there.

there's an endless amount of beauty to behold.

there's impossible lessons of humanity to learn.

there's bliss and there's sorrow.
forever.

and somehow i know that my love for you is within it all.

gentle as a dove

our words are so precious.

i find it interesting how easily i can ramble and gush to my friends and then how quick i am to snap at my mother. i become tongue-tied with feelings of inadequacy and frustration when i speak to justice's father. and then my words become inspired to much deeper thoughts of betterment when speaking with my darling. i use my words to discuss experience and wisdom with my siblings. and i attempt to plan my words with good intentions around my son. more often than not, i stifle my words to my god.

my words have been sources of inspiration and soothing charm, while out of the same mouth i spout vile daggers of bitterness and contempt.

i hear words i mistrust being spoken every day, as well as ones i want to believe i can trust.

i make a point of practicing honesty, which is undoubtedly admirable, but what about the honest phrases i spew in anger that can never again be unspoken?

i'm not sending myself on any sort of guilt trip here, and really, i may be pointing fingers more than i am taking the blame, but doesn't it all come back to me anyway?

i can only be responsible for the things i say.

and to go a bit deeper - only i am responsible for
the words that don't or stubbornly won't leave my mouth.

so i could sit here all day pleading for well-thought words of love, and there are times when that may be necessary and right, but at this point i find it only pertinent to remind myself to be wise as a serpent yet gentle as a dove.

because even a cup of cold water given to an enemy will reap an unimaginable reward - even if that reward simply amounts to peace.

interesting choice of words - simply amounts to peace....

lurve

lately i've been giving a lot of thought to the concept of romantic love. i'd suppose the reason has something to do with the fact that i'm in a fresh, new relationship full of excitement and strong feelings. i'm learning countless things from this relationship and being challenged and inspired in ways i've never known, but also in ways my spirit recognizes as right despite the unfamiliarity.

i feel stronger for the man i'm with now than i've ever felt before for anyone. so what does that mean? am i in love with him? my brain jumps straight to a 'yes' in response to that question, but my heart still ponders.

it's not that i've ever taken lightly to romantic love. i do not doubt that the times i've spoken those words before have been well thought out and based on strong feelings, but this is where i begin to question my understanding of love. i'm finding myself in a position where my standard notions towards love have become a giant mystery.

of course i've felt like i was in love before and those feelings were real, but love might not be a feeling. i'm not saying love is not just a feeling, but it's beginning to seem that love might not be a feeling at all.

sure, love can be felt, but if feelings were all love amounted to, i would find love to be a sad place to be.

no. love is not a feeling. if that were the case, i'd be finding myself in the danger zone of cheating on my boyfriend with a multitude of things and people whom i feel very strongly for.

when feelings become romantic and that romance becomes strong, i believe we've found ourselves face to face with infatuation. i think people often cringe at the negative connotation that the word 'infatuation' brings about, but, in all honesty, i want to be infatuated with the man i love. in the same vein, i want to be able to distinguish between feelings of infatuation and a knowledge of a real, true love.

i'm really just musing, because i do not even know the answer to all of this yet, but i do know this - i wish there were words other than love for the man i'm with now. because love has been used on people in my past and the one i'm with now deserves something i've never shared before. but then again, maybe it hasn't truly been shared before if all i've had were feelings. i'm not sure what that means, but i'm certain it's true and it's not just a feeling.

2009

i've been putting off my remembrance of 2009 because, frankly, i dont know where the hell to begin. so much of it is a blur in my mind. to tell you the truth, i may have to say that 2009 has not been one of my prouder years. i've been ashamed of myself on numerous occasions throughout the year. i suppose that doesnt necessarily have to be a bad thing in hindsight so long as i've something to show for my mistakes and misguidance.

2009 was my first year of being a mom. i'm beginning to grow thankful for a lack of concrete memories during the early formative years, mostly because i know i havent gotten the hang of this mom thing yet. i've learned so much as a mother this year. so much about how little i know and how precious the little children are.

justice has saved me from myself on numerous occasions throughout this year.

fuck. who am i kidding? why am i sitting here trying to eloquently review my year when i can only be honest with myself in the realization that i've made a complete mess?

i have not been a good mother. i've spent so much of my time with distractions other than justice. i've taken advantage of my family to the point that i sometimes question if justice even knows that i'm his mom.

no more.

i've been too caught up in enjoying my young twenties that i've shunned dignity and honor. i've made myself a mockery rather than an example. i've been floundering about in my blind selfishness.

it's as if i built a coat of armor around myself in a mentality that i can do anything and conquer my battles without even recognizing the raging war of who i'm really meant to be, the example i'm really meant to make, the responsibility of motherhood i'm really a part of. and my armor slowly chips away. and i'm left naked staring at the pieces all around me wondering what unrecognizable creature those casings previously encased.

somewhere along the way, i chose sides. i suppose it's better to know whose honor i'm fighting for before engaging in the war. maybe thats the beauty of it. i fought in a losing battle for a vast majority of 2009, only to recognize with every failure and every gain that I'M what i'm fighting for. i'm who really matters. and sure, it's been a victory in the making. dishonor and mistakes i've not yet vanquished entirely, but i see them and i recognize them for their filth and deceit. i glare with a daunting humility because i recognize those failures and they tremble in their unveiling because this slow, steady release is now a vivid reality.

2010 is where i regain my honor and my dignity. i wont be held back by mistakes and shortcomings and shame of 2009. i've identified those failures and they perceive me as someone not worth fucking with anymore. so now i boldly claim 2010 as a year of victory over me.

sweet and sour

why do i expect forgiveness and grace? really, it's in no way a natural inclination, besides from the receiving end. and even that is not natural, i suppose.

i dont muse over this in a sense of, "woe is me. i could never be forgiven," but i find it truly interesting that i expect a reconciliation of forgiveness when i've wronged another. and really, what happens when i dont receive my self-entitled expectation? i become bitter and i become angry.

i suppose there's a lesson worth considering and learning from both sides. on the one hand, it's necessary to understand that forgiveness and grace are not instinctual entities. they are learned, contrived, emulated.

i forgive because i've been forgiven.
i show grace because grace has been poured over me and all around me, countless times.

but what about the other angle? what about this sense of bitterness and anger when i dont receive these conveniences i've been taught to expect? sure, to be forgiven and shown grace feels nice, but anger and bitterness are absolutely dreadful - and most times for all parties involved. it's interesting to consider whether or not all sides can benefit from an extension of forgiveness and grace. maybe eventually, but in the core of my feelings and my spirit i've found myself to initally ache upon extending a gracious and forgiving gift to another.

forgiveness and grace
bitterness and anger

i feel like this is not even nearly the beginning of the lesson.
so many more layers.

for example, the sour attitudes that arrive in the wake of witnessing another's good fortune. that's not only jealousy. it's more deeply rooted. there's a tie between all of this.

these are mysteries worth uncovering.
these are battles worth waging.

if for nothing else, for the sake of overcoming our childish immaturities and moving towards a continual growth and harmony of love.

i'd rather not expect from others what i'm not willing to extend.

...maybe there's a lesson about jesus somewhere in here, too.

multiply

i've been forced to really peer inside of myself lately. i guess "force" is a harsh word. i've been urged, encouraged, longing after and moved towards a more in-depth self-inspection lately.

there are many times when i truly despise my findings from within.

i put on a confident air about me in many circumstances, but inside, there's a self consciousness i find truly unattractive. sure, i have many reasons - and good ones, too - to be confident, but i also have areas of fear and discomfort, maybe even embarrassment.

the truth of the matter, though, is that my areas of self consciousness need to be addressed.

as i'm writing, i'm beginning to recognize that many times when i'm self conscious or embarrassed it's when i find myself in a position of being good or ok, but not great - and knowing that i could be great. but instead of becoming great, i hide behind the mediocre and allow it to become a point of embarrassment or fear. and generally the fear is driving the embarrassment, and they're both deeply rooted in mediocrity.

i need to sing
i need to dance
i need to paint
and sew
and build
i need to write
and read
and become more educated
educated on america and the world -
on poverty and injustice
i need to play the piano
and the cello
i need to speak in public
and argue my points
i need to give my time
and my money
i need to apologize
i need to think beyond right now
and practice self control
discipline
commitment
trust

i need to do these things because i'm afraid to fail at them. and because i love myself. and because i love justice. i need to do these things because there's no good reason not to, and i've been called to multiply my talents.

trust

i wonder if the reason i dont trust can be found in my glaring and hideous unworthiness of trust. or is it that i'm not trustworthy because i seek to trust, only to be disappointed time and time again? or are the two entirely unrelated and worthy only of individual responsibility and consideration?

i do believe that my trustworthiness falls largely upon my own shoulders, meaning i'm probably due for some quality soul-searching into my darknesses and shortcomings.

there are times when i find myself longing for the convictions i once subscribed to, but why? i hear these convictions, these standard explained to me by those who still hold fast to such things and i cannot help being disgusted by the fear and naivity that drives them.

there are times - perhaps all the time- when i find i'm afraid to trust myself. why? maybe i dont want the disappointment to be directed at me when i'm the one who's pointing the finger.

sure, i'm ashamed of some of my personal decisions, but how much worse would i feel about myself and my standards if i came to a point of acknowledging and accounting for the areas in which i need to improve?

how i feel today.

it's not so much that i believe unconditional love is something that can be grasped or attained or even sought after by human means - hell, maybe not even by a higher power or nonhuman standard - but moreso, it's that i truly believe with every fiber of my being that the love i've seen displayed most in my life is severely lacking.

i dont say that to be pompous and cynical.

and really, it's not some deep, philosophical concept. although it is something i ache for deeply and fight for hopefully.

and maybe unconditional love is the wrong name to brand it with. maybe that title cheapens everything that swarms through my thoughts as i consider caring for another without ill-assumptions or suspicious intent.

of course that's not the whole of it. god, no. i suppose i cant even begin to explore every piece to this puzzle, because, really, will i ever know when it's complete? should i? i dont think i should. and even if i should, i dont think i'd want to.

at least that's how i feel today.

the longings of my heart

may i find it in me to love extravagantly, despite the return.
may my motives be pure and others' perception of me, simple.
may i exude a charm that annouces my acceptance of you and you and you.
may my character - though flawed - prove strong enough to be exposed.
may i resist complacency and shortcomings, rising to face today with honor and truth and love.
may dignity engulf me and radiate throughout me, touching and effecting others in a way that pushes us, all as one, toward a common denominator of unmerited and unconditional love.
may my words not be clouded by my actions.

standards of consistency

sometimes i wonder if the notions, the people, the characteristics and personalities that i despise in life are rooted in things i recognize and dislike about myself.

i can be so quick to expect actions or even restraint from others without any thought or understanding of how to display a mutual reasoning.

i dont want to be a representation of a double standard or empty values. i ache to see love in its fullest form, but i wonder if i'm doing all i can to be love...or am i just making a mockery along with all the others? i thrive on positivity and joy; however, my thoughts are vile, my assumptions ruthless. i cringe with everything in me when unfair judgement is passed, but what in my life is any better than those condescending gazes that i loathe?

reprise

i feared my craving for poison -
convinced it would set in.
i feared a complacency with porcelain.
now my world turns upside down
as i find my porcelain to be poison,
and my craving is for purity.

where you'll be

you'll occupy my prayers,
but you wont be in my life.
you'll occur in my thoughts,
but you wont be in my life.
you'll burden my heart,
but you wont be in my life.
you'll creep into my memories,
but you wont be in my life.

you'll move forward with your life
as i move forward with my own.
you may have a permanent attitude
of bitterness and hatred towards me,
but i towards you will only think
with a heaviness and a hope
for success and fulfilled potential.

porcelain vs poison

dear porcelain,
come to me with poison
that i may taste of the forbidden nectar
my flesh craves.

dear porcelain,
you'll crumble beneath my grip,
for i seem only to grasp at death
destroying everything in my wake.

dear porcelain,
your beauty and worth are undeniable.
i ache to look away.
your flawlessness is my forever foe.

dear porcelain,
you are complete,
but me, i am undone.
i long to keep you as you are -
a treasure, rare to be found.

and now, dear porcelain,
i must place you on my shelf
to be seen and wondered at.
but i will look away
my addiction creeping in

because it is poison
for which i crave.

forgotten

who am i, you ask?
i'll tell you who i am.
i am daughter of the most high king.
i am beauty, clothed in grace and redemption.

who am i, you ask?
i'll tell you who i'm not.
i'm not a cheap thrill.
i'm not one to be toyed with and put to shame.

i'm not changing me for you.
me is here to stay.

who are you to think you can alter me?
you are not my god.
you are not my love or my devotion.

sadly, you are only a mere memory to be forgotten.
sadly, for you, that is.

and i will forget you because you are not worthy of me.

dear justice,

a letter to you.

i urge you to seek and to find.

a jesus who will go against every natural inclination you may have for what's fair and just.
a jesus who compares his kingdom to mustard seeds. a jesus who will leave a whole flock of sheep behind in concern for one who may be struggling. a jesus who is gentle enough to heal the hurting yet powerful enough to make the demons shudder at the sound of his name.

jesus is not safe, precious child. but know this - he is good.

this world will teach you to earn your way to success; to always look out for yourself. jesus will tell you to love your enemies and forsake all else for the sake of others. jesus will tell you there is no profit to gain the whole world if you lose you own soul.

churches may teach you that jesus requires your time and your money. the truth is - you, precious child, are the church and all jesus would like is your willing love and devotion.

christians may tell you that you can only follow jesus by gauging the acts of others against your own. but this jesus, precious child, looks only at the heart and you cannot see into another person's intentions.

i tell you these things not to confuse or overwhelm you, but rather to inspire.

although this jesus does not add up to the world you know, i encourage you to know this jesus.

i encourage you to challenge the things of this world because they are temporary. i encourage you to love blindly and determine in your heart to stand for what's right and true.

i love you.

hosea 2:14,15

"but then i will win her back once again.
i will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her there.
i will return her vineyards to her
and transform the valley of trouble
into a gateway of hope."

elementary

i understand no concept of intimacy.
i short change myself consistently.

filing cabinet

i find lately that my life works primarily in compartments and lists and plans. i wonder how dangerous this may be. i wish not to be so structured and regimented. i love calendars and planners and stickies, to do lists, time blocks and and and. this seems to be an element of my character that is lately becoming more pronounced. sometimes i think i would like to be more flexible, more free spirited, but i wonder if life is now demanding me to be more grounded and defined.

i find myself envying those who come and go as they please, those who seize opportunities and squeeze the most out of every desire and whim.

envy - in my life - always displays itself through bitterness or anger. i seem to want to fasten my control, compartments, lists to those whose lives do not function in my same manner.

recognition is a bitch

now i must determine to display this character with a tone of love, to keep my envy, bitterness, wrath under wraps for the sake of loving god and loving others. i think this attribute of my character is necessary in that it aids in my daily function; however, i must be open to change. i must be sensitive to other personalities. i must never compartmentalize my life to a point of turning others to anger or bitterness.

may this be a lesson.

i think i cant

cant do it anymore.

too much heartache.

i'm trying to make someone love me who never will.
and i cant anymore.