trust

i wonder if the reason i dont trust can be found in my glaring and hideous unworthiness of trust. or is it that i'm not trustworthy because i seek to trust, only to be disappointed time and time again? or are the two entirely unrelated and worthy only of individual responsibility and consideration?

i do believe that my trustworthiness falls largely upon my own shoulders, meaning i'm probably due for some quality soul-searching into my darknesses and shortcomings.

there are times when i find myself longing for the convictions i once subscribed to, but why? i hear these convictions, these standard explained to me by those who still hold fast to such things and i cannot help being disgusted by the fear and naivity that drives them.

there are times - perhaps all the time- when i find i'm afraid to trust myself. why? maybe i dont want the disappointment to be directed at me when i'm the one who's pointing the finger.

sure, i'm ashamed of some of my personal decisions, but how much worse would i feel about myself and my standards if i came to a point of acknowledging and accounting for the areas in which i need to improve?